my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.