PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
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oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
live, laugh, laundry.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.