Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
When you’re here for the treats.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
The dogs are drawn by their screams.