Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down