Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone