1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?