You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
meanwhile over on facebook
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
the red hot silly peppers
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
*praying for world peace*
God:
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.