Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.