Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
You Might Also Like
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
O Wise One….
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato