I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.