The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
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birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth