Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
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My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
couldn’t resist
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
yeet
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths