[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
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“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him