“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.