JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
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Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently