11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
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Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife: