It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I put the p in pants.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
yeet
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that