Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
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Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
wtf is a larm clock?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not