The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
jesus christ confetti not now