Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*