Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism