Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Sooo many times…..
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.