if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
we all know this pain all too well
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!