welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.