Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
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WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I have no passwords left in me
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
? 💀
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.