I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.