When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
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My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
This did not end as expected.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus