Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Bless you
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief