sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
You Might Also Like
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants