dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
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Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me