*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
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[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Ah..makes sense now
philosophical skeletons be like
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes