I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
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If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Goat cheese is for herders.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”