Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
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My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
technically true but not a great slogan
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look