I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Penguins walking in 5x speed
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property