Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?