My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
What an awful time to have common sense.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.