Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
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How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture orā¦
devil: shut up itās gonnaāitāll pick up
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think itās too early.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Therapist: …and if you donāt start working to control your anxiety, youāll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now sheās my half sister
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher šš š
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. Itās staying in there.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesnāt want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [š½ļø: Rebecca Gelernter]
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
5 year old: Does āCupidā mean ācuteā and āstupidā?
Me: It does now.
The recipe blogs that have the ājump to recipeā button are the real winners
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, weāve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*