My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
You Might Also Like
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
felt that
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
what does he know…
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.