If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
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They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?