Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
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Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?