If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
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Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8