Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
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Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁