Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
happy mother’s day❤️
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
so much to do
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.