“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
lmfao come on
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office