You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
🤣could you imagine
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us