I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
You Might Also Like
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
The Punning Dead.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.