Lately I have the attention span of wait what
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Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Challenge accepted.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies