My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My purse is deeper than some people.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?