Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Catercrombie & Fish
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.