*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Seems kinda suspicious
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.